For the past 20 years or so, I have spent almost every Super Bowl evening at a party organised by old friends. It features great company, cool beer and the kind of wonderful unhealthy food that for some reason is compulsory with major athletic events. But this year I will be on edge. For I have been integrally involved in a secret plot to use Taylor Swift and the Super Bowl to head off a second Trump presidency.
As you may know, the plan centres on the burgeoning romance between Taylor and the Kansas City Chiefs' star player, Travis Kelce.
Clearly, secrecy is everything in a plot such as this, so you can imagine how worried we were when details of the plan began to leak out on rightwing channels. Fortunately, we have been able to dismiss their warnings as the deluded conspiracy theories of cranks, cynics, attention seekers and Vivek Ramaswamy, the living Venn diagram of all three. But I have to tell you, this time they are right. They have got far too close to the truth for comfort.
Now that we have orchestrated the affair, the plan is to fix the Super Bowl for Travis's team so that, in the moment of victory, the pair can embrace Joe Biden, immediately changing the minds of millions of MAGA voters who like Trump but are even more devoted to Midnights. (In the UK, the liberal elite Blob is planning something similar at the Euros, where Gareth Southgate and Dua Lipa are expected to reveal their secret romance as a prelude to endorsing Keir Starmer.)
Those behind this scheme see the ploy as foolproof, especially once we got the San Francisco 49ers to agree to fix the game for the good of the nation. But what has not been appreciated by those who have got too close to the truth is that this is, in fact, only a tiny part of a more intricate and sophisticated plot. Another option was for Taylor to go off with San Francisco 49ers quarterback Brock Purdy instead, but his team was happy enough just to throw the match without him needing to date a global megastar, so we settled for Travis.
Naturally, we are on high alert for anything that might wreck Travis and Taylor's big moment. Security staff have been told to be especially vigilant in case a counter-protest is launched by Patrick Mahomes and Roseanne Barr.
At the precise moment of Super Bowl victory, a Navy Seals team led by Beyoncé and the original Destiny's Child line-up, including several members of the Green Bay Packers, will storm Mar-a-Lago and spirit Trump away to a secret desert location where Anthony Fauci has been working with the surviving Roswell aliens on a project to activate the mind-control chips inside the Covid vaccine to ensure a big Democratic swing in key states.
Trump will be housed in a perfect replica of the White House and its residence, which he will be told has been locked down for his protection. Once there, aides will convince him he is back in charge and he will be encouraged to issue numerous executive orders to people he believes are senior government officials but who are actually working from the film studios where we faked the moon landings. Convinced he is back as president, Trump will harmlessly see out his days signing bogus decrees.
Meanwhile, Jimmy Kimmel, Jon Stewart and Miley Cyrus will seize control of the TV stations with help from Tucker Carlson, who has actually been working for us from the inside all this time, along with Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert and Matt Gaetz (we did worry they were hamming it up too much but, props to all three, they carried it off). Once the media is secure, Alec Baldwin will reprise his role as Trump and announce he is pulling out of the race after a series of health scares.
We have worked hard to keep everything secret, restricting information to the seven or eight thousand people who had to know. We think we've kept it watertight. A plot of this complexity requires absolute precision, but we are confident that by this time next week American democracy will be safe. But if you wake up on Monday morning and hear nothing, something will have gone horribly wrong.